Quotes by Steve Jobs

Quotes by Steve Jobs

On His Products

I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard on something, but working on Macintosh was the neatest experience of my life. Almost everyone who worked on it will say that. None of us wanted to release it at the end. It was as though we knew that once it was out of our hands, it wouldn’t be ours anymore. When we finally presented it at the shareholders’ meeting, everyone in the auditorium gave it a five-minute ovation. What was incredible to me was that I could see the Mac team in the first few rows. It was as though none of us could believe we’d actually finished it. Everyone started crying. [Playboy, Feb. 1, 1985]

We made the buttons on the screen look so good you’ll want to lick them. [On Mac OS X, Fortune, Jan. 24, 2000]

It will go down in history as a turning point for the music industry. This is landmark stuff. I can’t overestimate it! [On the iTunes Music Store, Fortune, May 12, 2003]

Every once in a while a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything. … One is very fortunate if you get to work on just one of these in your career. Apple’s been very fortunate it’s been able to introduce a few of these into the world. [Announcement of the iPhone, Jan. 9, 2007]

On Business

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me. [Playboy, Feb. 1, 1985]

Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me … Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me. [The Wall Street Journal, May 25, 1993]

This is not a one-man show. What’s reinvigorating this company is two things: One, there’s a lot of really talented people in this company who listened to the world tell them they were losers for a couple of years, and some of them were on the verge of starting to believe it themselves. But they’re not losers. What they didn’t have was a good set of coaches, a good plan. A good senior management team. But they have that now. [BusinessWeek, May 25, 1998]

Innovation has nothing to do with how many R&D dollars you have. When Apple came up with the Mac, IBM was spending at least 100 times more on R&D. It’s not about money. It’s about the people you have, how you’re led, and how much you get it. [Fortune, Nov. 9, 1998]

The cure for Apple is not cost-cutting. The cure for Apple is to innovate its way out of its current predicament. [Apple Confidential: The Real Story of Apple Computer Inc., May 1999]

The problem with the Internet startup craze isn’t that too many people are starting companies; it’s that too many people aren’t sticking with it. That’s somewhat understandable, because there are many moments that are filled with despair and agony, when you have to fire people and cancel things and deal with very difficult situations. That’s when you find out who you are and what your values are. So when these people sell out, even though they get fabulously rich, they’re gypping themselves out of one of the potentially most rewarding experiences of their unfolding lives. Without it, they may never know their values or how to keep their newfound wealth in perspective. [Fortune, Jan. 24, 2000]

The system is that there is no system. That doesn’t mean we don’t have process. Apple is a very disciplined company, and we have great processes. But that’s not what it’s about. Process makes you more efficient. But innovation comes from people meeting up in the hallways or calling each other at 10:30 at night with a new idea, or because they realized something that shoots holes in how we’ve been thinking about a problem. It’s ad hoc meetings of six people called by someone who thinks he has figured out the coolest new thing ever and who wants to know what other people think of his idea. And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We’re always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important. [BusinessWeek, Oct. 12, 2004]

On His Competitors

Some people are saying that we ought to put an IBM PC on every desk in America to improve productivity. It won’t work. The special incantations you have to learn this time are the “slash q-zs” and things like that. The manual for WordStar, the most popular word-processing program, is 400 pages thick. To write a novel, you have to read a novel––one that reads like a mystery to most people. They’re not going to learn slash q-z any more than they’re going to learn Morse code. That is what Macintosh is all about. [Playboy, Feb. 1, 1985]

The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste. They have absolutely no taste. And I don’t mean that in a small way, I mean that in a big way, in the sense that they don’t think of original ideas, and they don’t bring much culture into their products. I am saddened, not by Microsoft’s success — I have no problem with their success. They’ve earned their success, for the most part. I have a problem with the fact that they just make really third-rate products. [Triumph of the Nerds, 1996]

I wish him the best, I really do. I just think he and Microsoft are a bit narrow. He’d be a broader guy if he had dropped acid once or gone off to an ashram when he was younger. [On Bill Gates, The New York Times, Jan. 12, 1997]

from Wall Street Journal, 8/24/2011

Transformation

Transformation

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, “What is this Father?”.

The Father responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don`t know what it is!”.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, “Go get your Mother”.

Australia

Australia

Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people… that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.

You can say Octopuses or Octopodes all you want; if it’s good enough for The Beatles, it’s good enough for Cracked.

Just The Facts

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  1. Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
  2. It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna…all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
  3. Its primary spoken language is screaming.

From the Abyss It Is Birthed

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Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there…because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.

After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.

Things in Australia that Will Kill You

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Everything. No, seriously: Everything.

First there’s the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you – it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.

Then there’s the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.

Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it’s true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world…all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.

Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that’s totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist – because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses – it even swims. IT BLOODY SWIMS.

Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia – and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?

Did you ever stop and wonder…

Did you ever stop and wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why you don’t ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start” to stop ‘Windows’?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why your Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed – if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “a terminal” if flying is supposedly so safe?

Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who the first person was that said, “See that chicken there, I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum?”

Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??

That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?

Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

How come we put a man on the moon before realising it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?

Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?

How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?

How come “phonetically” is spelt with a “ph”?

Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?

Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?

Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone ‘Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why don’t women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

Why did you give me your e-mail address in the first place?